Alone…

No one prepares you for the reality of college. We are all given rose colored glasses when we are growing up. We are told that college is where you will have the time of your life, meet your best friends, party, study and maybe find true love. Now I am not here saying that all of that is false. However college has been the most depressing four years of my life. Have I had a great time? Of course. Have I met some of my best friends? Yes. However I am alone. The constant feel of not being good enough, pretty enough or rich enough is always haunting me. You are surrounded by people that are smarter than you, richer than you and prettier than you. It is hard not to be self conscious when everytime you think a guy is actually interested in you he distances himself. I understand there are 8 billion people on this Earth and I will eventually find that one person that is meant for me. But on the other hand it is hard seeing people who are horrible towards other human beings in a happy relationship and you wonder why that isn’t you. What did you deserve to not be happy? Why are you always feeling alone? Am I a horrible person? Is that why I am alone? Depression is a real thing that many people experience, but I am living it. There is rarely a day that I don’t feel like it isn’t worth it. Why should I keep trying and feeling like a failure? Why do I keep allowing people into my life and let down my walls when they are just going to hurt me over and over? I do no know the answers to any of these questions. I do know that there has to be life at the end of the tunnel, or at least they say there is. Currently there is a small flicker, but that flicker is all I need to get through.